I’ve decided to give online dating a try. Okay, not dating so much as posting a profile and some pics to see whether there’s anyone in the universe who might be interested in a hot mess like me. I figure everyone is saying the same boring stuff about themselves. I’m anything but boring and I want to meet someone who also stands out in the crowd. Like attracts like so here’s what I’ve come up with for a profile. What do you think?
My friends call me Wonder Woman because I’m a champion of truth and justice; an Amazon warrior who embraces a dogma to be all things to all people while wearing a smile that never seems to fade. When I’m exhausted from being the optimistic-doer-of-all-things-amazing-for-others, I stick my hair in a ponytail, throw on some yoga pants and head out for long, anonymous walks on the local trails with my headphones and dog to relax and recharge.
But I’m not very good at being irresponsible and my sister is worried that one day I’ll look back and realize I’ve become a boring conventionalist who’s done nothing truly adventurous or anarchic with my life.
Can you play guitar beside a campfire? Does your brain fire on all cylinders and refuse to follow the path of least resistance? Is your shelf filled with books that feature dog-eared pages? Can you build a blanket fort with your bare hands and find some way to keep me entertained in it?
I’m not looking for the perfect man — perfection is boring. If you’re funny then I already like you, and if you’re passionate as well, then I can’t wait to meet you.
I don’t care about your job, your car, or your house — I’ve already got those things. What I’m missing is someone to unplug and explore the myriad paths of the Bruce Trail with me, someone who agrees that the Leafs will win a cup in my lifetime, someone who doesn’t take life too seriously and can show me how to be a better explorer and someone who will stay up all night debating the merits of funding global initiatives like the LHC at CERN with me over a bottle of Cabernet.
Oh, and you get bonus points for tattoos and sharing my belief that the universe is full of magic and wonder.
Life is like Mr. Toad’s wild ride and I’m ready to board. There’s a space beside me waiting to be filled with a man who wants nothing more than to teach me the tantric way, kiss me into oblivion, brush his lips against the sensitive skin at the nape of my neck.
If you think you’re that man, please get in touch. But don’t worry if I don’t get back to you right away, there isn’t any internet coverage in Themyscira…