Image used through Creative Commons License Courtesy of AIH
I’m finally through the toughest part of my separation struggles. The pucker-mouth-sour-lemon-puss I’ve been trying to hide behind a fake smile and a false sunny disposition is finally not fake. I took the lemons life had handed me and made me some lemon-aid.
It started in September. I know it may sound a little silly, but my mom made me a birthday cake and put only 3 candles on it (I turned 45), instructing me to make 3 little wishes. I humoured her, cause I’m still a “good girl” who does what mom says. I actually put some effort into the wishes, not the usual go-to “world peace” I use to satisfy the social convention of making birthday wishes when you’re a grown up.
Yes, the world could certainly use some peace, but frankly, at that moment, so could I. And while I’m not generally a selfish person, I decided it was my turn – after all look where being too selfless had gotten me. So, I looked out at the universe and into my own heart and asked: what do I really need right now?
I wouldn’t divulge my “wishes’ as a child for fear I’m jinxing myself, but as they’ve now all come true; I don’t see the harm.
1. To sell my house and have it close before Christmas – check!
2. To catch up on outstanding bills and to stabilize financially so I will not need to rely on anyone else for their financial support by the beginning of December – check!
3. To get promoted by January 31, 2015 – check!
In truth, I don’t believe the universe took pity on my pathetic soul and made my wishes come true. I do believe that I developed goals, created a plan to make them happen and took the steps necessary to bring them to life. And that was the difference.
Really, just a gap analysis: where am I now and where do I want to be – how will I get there? While struggling with emotion, which has never been my forte, I forgot to focus on the objective.
I’ve moved from feeling sorry for myself and pining for him, to hating him, to feeling simply contempt or disgust, to this new stage: optimism about my own future.