Category Archives: NaBloPoMo

November 2013 posts. For some reason, not all of my posts in November have been categorized here. Only the interesting ones!

I’m FINE – F&*$’d up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional

(Photo Source:  Me)

It’s amazing how “fine” you can be for so many years and then suddenly….you’re just not.  All the work you did to feel better, all the counselling sessions, the letters to your inner child, the lists of why you left, the self-help activities.  And you did feel better; for a long time!

And suddenly.

You don’t.

But you dealt with your demons.  You dealt with your childhood abuses, you dealt with the rapes, you dealt with the abandonment, you dealt with the suicide attempts, you dealt with the domestic violence of your first husband, you dealt with FEAR, you dealt with it and you moved forward.  You made a new life: but you DEALT with it!

And suddenly, you realize, you didn’t.  Not really.  You pretended.  You covered it up.  You pushed it away and ignored it and tried to tell yourself it wasn’t as bad as you thought, so you could replace your memory of it with a new perspective on the memories.  You fixed it all by making yourself the bad guy in the story for misinterpreting everything and you’ve beaten yourself up every day since.  You’ve worked so hard, sooo haaarrrd to be a better person now.  Sooo haaarrrd not to take everything so personally.  Sooo haaarrrd to just keep swimming.

But they’re back.   Continue reading I’m FINE – F&*$’d up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional