I haven’t written…well, anything… in about 9 or 10 months. I’ve finally ended my 11 year marital relationship I felt like I was dying in in the end. I’m in a hopeful place about that. I look forward to looking after my children and I….not feeling as though i’m always taking care of his needs and wants and never having time for ours. I’m looking forward to getting us back on our feet.
I’m hoping I’ll be able to stop always thinking about the “ways he did me wrong” that we all focus on in the beginning and move forward…. The things he’s done and the things he needs to be accountable for but never will….those are my barrier. I’m one of “those people” who needs the validation.
I’m worried I’ll never get over the damage I’ve allowed. I’m worried his constant denials will somehow diminish me as a woman and a mother. I’m trying to let the knowledge that it can only happen if I let it happen sink into my psyche not just sit on the surface of my brain.
Horror of horrors we have to continue to cohabitate until the house sells. Anyone who’s had to knows that’s extremely tough when it ends. And there’s real bitterness here. Once we do physically separate and I’m not there to monitor what’s coming out of his mouth anymore…what will my children hear?
How do I stop myself from overcompensating out of that worry that he’ll ruin their opinion of me? This wasn’t all my fault and yes, I do lay a lot of blame at his feet despite his objections. How do I reassure myself that I’ve been a good wife and mom and they know that and that there’s no amount of twisted truths he could tell that would make them see me differently?
How do I let go and trust them to see and know the truth based on their experience rather than his words? Because that’s what I need to do.
I need to move forward, not continue to be trapped by the past.