Fearful pride and other vices

What do you do when you realize you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life?  How do you move on from that awareness, knowing there’s no going back?  That the damage you’ve allowed to fester has become irreparable.

I allowed my hurt to cloud my judgment.  As my sense of self was lost I didn’t trust my own mind.  I permitted the voices of others whose motives were their own to alter my perception and, ultimately, form my new reality.  I entitled my fear to create an atmosphere of sheltered protection, and lived in hiding.  I lied to myself to show I was strong.  I would not risk unreservedly offering my true heart out of dread it could or would not be reciprocated. I could not acknowledge the fear and hurt, instead allowing anger to wreak havoc on my psyche and my world.

In fear, I lashed out when I should have opened my heart, asked questions and used my ears twice as much as my mouth.

I betrayed my heart out of selfish pride.  Needing to be right rather than kind. I lost my empathy.  Intolerance devoured it, leaving bitterness in its wake.

It wasn’t always this way.  A vicious cycle began and once the wheel started spinning it only got faster and farther out of control until the very air seemed toxic and unbreathable.

One perceived slight lead to another.  And another.  Until I became the perpetrator as much as the recipient.   Love hid behind thick walls, peeking out, timid and scared.

And I reacted poorly.  Now I pay for my prideful mistakes.

Goddess help me regain my capacity to temper my pride with empathy, heal and move forward instead of always looking back.