(Photo Source: Me)
It’s amazing how “fine” you can be for so many years and then suddenly….you’re just not. All the work you did to feel better, all the counselling sessions, the letters to your inner child, the lists of why you left, the self-help activities. And you did feel better; for a long time!
But you dealt with your demons. You dealt with your childhood abuses, you dealt with the rapes, you dealt with the abandonment, you dealt with the suicide attempts, you dealt with the domestic violence of your first husband, you dealt with FEAR, you dealt with it and you moved forward. You made a new life: but you DEALT with it!
And suddenly, you realize, you didn’t. Not really. You pretended. You covered it up. You pushed it away and ignored it and tried to tell yourself it wasn’t as bad as you thought, so you could replace your memory of it with a new perspective on the memories. You fixed it all by making yourself the bad guy in the story for misinterpreting everything and you’ve beaten yourself up every day since. You’ve worked so hard, sooo haaarrrd to be a better person now. Sooo haaarrrd not to take everything so personally. Sooo haaarrrd to just keep swimming.
But they’re back. And because you told yourself you dealt with it, the reappearance of the demons has spun you right off your axis. Instead of the world turning methodically, it is spinning faster and farther out of control and you feel like you’ll go flying off the edge because you Just. Can’t. Hang. On. Anymore.
The new troubles that are making life a spiral dance you blame on being a shit magnet? They are the product of unresolved demons you lied to yourself about having dealt with. You are a shit magnet after all because you made yourself one.
Because you didn’t deal with it. Not really. You skimmed the surface because the depths were too dark. Too dark to journey. Too dark to avoid the weeds that want to pull you down and suffocate you. So you stayed on the surface. The safe surface.
And you lied to yourself and said you dealt with it. But you didn’t. And now you must. You absolutely must. You can be afraid of what it will change. You just can’t let that stop you.
Is it worse to let yourself drown because the life preserver seems too far away, or to die swimming for it?
To die trying. Absolutely.