I’m having a particularly bad week. This isn’t shit-magnet stuff, this is me. I can’t seem to get beyond the anxiety attack that started last week. It ebbs, but then it flows without notice….over nothing! I’m feeling trapped. You know: damned if you do, damned if you don’t?
I’m so strung out it takes the smallest thing to get me in a tizzy. The worst part is that things I normally cope fine with, I’m not and it’s driving me crazy! (there are those who would argue it’s not a long trip for me…)
And what started it all? The most ridiculous thing ever: going back on Facebook and reducing my friend list. Yep, that’s it. Stupid, right?
Earlier this month, I put a post up that was just ignorant. Essentially, I suggested that I should create a “Bitches of [insert town here]”page so that the next time a bitch gives you a dirty look or doesn’t hide the fact she’s being a catty bitch, talking about you, you can call her out on it publicly!
I don’t know what came over me when I wrote it. I hide that side of me in public, but I guess the bitches in question just got to me that day. I got an overwhelming response from my friends saying “here, here” and that they’d love to follow that page and contribute. Um, no.
Then, I had a big fight with my husband. For some unknown reason, I almost put a status update that may have indicated trouble in paradise…um, no.
That was the moment I deactivated my account for my own sanity. Yeah, that wasn’t easy either because I got so many “what happened” comments, emails, texts and phone calls it didn’t seem worth it in the short term. But I was being untrue to myself and I recognized it. When I want to rant, I look for an appropriate place to vomit my gross ideas (here!), not Facebook!
Okay, so then after a couple of weeks, I thought I had enough of a break and it was okay to go back. A good friend suggested that if I was worried about who would see me go off the rails next time, I should reduce my friend list and up my security. That way, only the people who know the real me would have access…. seemed logical.
So, I did. I never had a big friend list because I wouldn’t accept friends if we had never met in person, but I went from 124 to 30. I cut out anyone I haven’t talked to in the last 6 months; anyone whose stuff I never look at; people I didn’t even really want to friend in the first place, but felt obligated when they asked; people who had over 200 friends (seriously, they’re NOT your friends!!) – in short, I was brutal! I basically cut everyone except my closest family and friends that I speak to on a weekly basis.
But it was the brutality of it that got me on edge to start. Even as I was unfriending, I could feel my pulse speed up, I could feel the twist and knot start in my tummy, the sweating….and FOR WHAT??!!
What is wrong with me? Did I not just say that I only cut people who would either have too many “friends” to notice or those who I wasn’t in contact with anywhere else in life? Then why does the thought that this small and simple act may have hurt their feelings make me feel so awful???
Ugh. Well, I guess this proves I’m a people-pleaser on top of everything else. Great.