Anxiety ebb and flow

I’m having a particularly bad week.  This isn’t shit-magnet stuff, this is me.  I can’t seem to get beyond the anxiety attack that started last week.  It ebbs, but then it flows without notice….over nothing!  I’m feeling trapped.  You know:  damned if you do, damned if you don’t?

I’m so strung out it takes the smallest thing to get me in a tizzy.  The worst part is that things I normally cope fine with, I’m not and it’s driving me crazy! (there are those who would argue it’s not a long trip for me…)

And what started it all?  The most ridiculous thing ever:  going back on Facebook and reducing my friend list.  Yep, that’s it.  Stupid, right?

Earlier this month, I put a post up that was just ignorant.  Essentially, I suggested that I should create a “Bitches of [insert town here]”page so that the next time a bitch gives you a dirty look or doesn’t hide the fact she’s being a catty bitch, talking about you, you can call her out on it publicly!

I don’t know what came over me when I wrote it.  I hide that side of me in public, but I guess the bitches in question just got to me that day.  I got an overwhelming response from my friends saying “here, here” and that they’d love to follow that page and contribute.  Um, no.

Then, I had a big fight with my husband.  For some unknown reason, I almost put a status update that may have indicated trouble in paradise…um, no.

That was the moment I deactivated my account for my own sanity.  Yeah, that wasn’t easy either because I got so many “what happened” comments, emails, texts and phone calls it didn’t seem worth it in the short term.  But I was being untrue to myself and I recognized it.  When I want to rant, I look for an appropriate place to vomit my gross ideas (here!), not Facebook!

Okay, so then after a couple of weeks, I thought I had enough of a break and it was okay to go back.  A good friend suggested that if I was worried about who would see me go off the rails next time, I should reduce my friend list and up my security.  That way, only the people who know the real me would have access…. seemed logical.

So, I did.  I never had a big friend list because I wouldn’t accept friends if we had never met in person, but I went from 124 to 30.  I cut out anyone I haven’t talked to in the last 6 months; anyone whose stuff I never look at; people I didn’t even really want to friend in the first place, but felt obligated when they asked; people who had over 200 friends (seriously, they’re NOT your friends!!) – in short, I was brutal!  I basically cut everyone except my closest family and friends that I speak to on a weekly basis.

But it was the brutality of it that got me on edge to start.  Even as I was unfriending, I could feel my pulse speed up, I could feel the twist and knot start in my tummy, the sweating….and FOR WHAT??!!

What is wrong with me?  Did I not just say that I only cut people who would either have too many “friends” to notice or those who I wasn’t in contact with anywhere else in life?  Then why does the thought that this small and simple act may have hurt their feelings make me feel so awful???

Ugh.  Well, I guess this proves I’m a people-pleaser on top of everything else.  Great.

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