I wish I were a more spiteful person. Or at least more like the people who seem to gravitate to me like I was a shit magnet. Why can’t I be a jerk too? Craziness! Like the forces of good wishing they could be the forces of evil…hehehe…yep, I’m the forces of good!
I’m pretty well read and I admit, I don’t think I’ve ever come across that theme! Maybe that’s the thematic basis for my great Canadian novel!
But it’s true. Some of us are motivated that much more by external pressure and, therefore, I wish I could make promises and commitments I won’t keep, tell other’s when they piss me off without filtering the message on delivery, hurt other’s feelings without a second thought, take action without worrying about consequence. In short, I wish I didn’t care about my impact on the world; only on myself and my immediate family. But I do.
And I can’t not care if I’ve offended or made a bad impression or in any way lessened their approval factor. I guess that would make me a good politician. I keep trying and trying to be a jerk, but in the end, I can’t live with myself and do whatever is needed to fix and make up for it. And that would make me a bad politician.
How do they do it? Those others who live their lives only worrying about their own opinion of themselves? How do they ignore the gut-wrenching pain, the nauseousness, the headaches, the anxiety and the compulsion to make it better?! Is that simply an overdeveloped sense of conscience?
I’m looking for a how-to course on this now. Seriously: “How To Be A Selfish, Inconsiderate, Bitch 101”. If you know of one, please let me know. I’ve recently learned about MOOC’s (mass online o (something) courses) and am looking there first.
Don’t get me wrong, I can bitch with the best of ’em! I’m sure my adoring husband will attest to that (as would my children, my mother, my sister, my dad, my best friend….lol). But I don’t want to be perceived as a “bitch”. Does that make me an oxymoron?
So how far is too far when it comes to standing up for yourself when someone hurts or jeopardizes you in a meaningful way? At what point do you stop worrying about hurting their feelings or being perceived as “a bitch”.
Of course, living in a small town exacerbates the problem, doesn’t it? We are all too close geographically and socially and it’s harder to escape your own reputation. It’s worse than high school! Then it really becomes a question of “is it worth it?”.
So, larger world…help me out, here! I am simply a nice person, who cares about the world around her and is trying to do the right thing. Maybe I’m trying to be all things to all people, but is that really so wrong? What do I do when the bird of paradise flies up my nose and takes a shit?