I haven’t written…well, anything… in about 9 or 10 months. I’ve finally ended the toxic 11 year marital relationship I was dying in. I’m in a good place about that. I’m in a hopeful place about that. I’m looking forward to looking after my children and I for a change….not always taking care of his needs and wants and never having time for ours. I’m looking forward to getting us back on our feet and out of the financial, emotional and psychological dumpster he’s dragged us into.
I’m hoping I’ll be able to stop always thinking about the ways he did me wrong and move forward…. The things he’s done and the things he needs to be accountable for but never will….those are my barrier. I’m one of “those people” who needs the validation.
I’m worried I’ll never get over the damage I’ve allowed him to do. I’m worried his constant denials and lies will somehow diminish me as a woman and a mother. I’m trying to let the knowledge that it can only happen if I let it happen sink into my psyche not just sit on the surface of my brain.
Horror of horrors we have to continue to cohabitate until the house sells, but once we do physically separate and I’m not there to monitor the bullshit coming out of his mouth anymore…what will my children hear?
How do I stop myself from overcompensating out of that worry that he’ll ruin their opinion of me? This wasn’t my fault. How do I reassure myself that I’ve been a good wife and mom and they know that and that there’s no amount of lies he could tell that would make them see me differently?
How do I let go and trust them to see and know the truth based on their experience rather than his words? Because that’s what I need to do.
I need to move forward, not continue to be trapped by the past.